Geshe Tsulga: A Fond Remembrance

Geshe Tsulga and Lama Zopa in Boston

My daughter was three when she met Geshe Tsulga at Milarepa Center.  I think she called him “Dalai Lama.”  I had pictures of both Geshe-la and His Holiness the Dalai Lama at home, but it was easy to get the two confused – similar haircuts, clothes, etc.  She enjoyed the Werther’s candies he shared with her and the other children that were there that day.  Maddy still remembers meeting him (and the candy), even after almost a dozen years.  I think that may have been the last time I saw Geshe Tsulga, too.  I took a more “worldly” turn in my life soon after that and let my Dharma practice waver and nearly disappear from my life for a number of years.

 Last summer, my life took a few new turns.  My wife and I divorced and I moved across town so we could share custody of our daughter and she could walk to school from either home. I don’t know how my change of address got to Milarepa Center, but I was getting the newsletter again and I found them on Facebook.  When they announced the fall 2010 visit of Lama Zopa, I was strongly considering going to see him.  Tragically, my nephew was killed in a motorcycle accident in August and although it probably would have done me good to spend time in the presence of Lama Zopa, Geshe Tsulga and other loving friends from many years ago, I really couldn’t pull myself together at that time to go.  When I saw pictures and realized that Geshe Tsulga was ill, I really wish that I had made the effort to go.

When I heard about Geshe Tsulga’s death in November, it hit me a little harder and a little differently than I thought it might.  I’ve been looking through notes I took at his teachings and been remembering Geshe-la fondly – his first summer at Milarepa in 1993 through that day of teachings that I brought Madeleine to several years later.  I was only able to take one week-long retreat with Geshe Tsulga. It was an Avalokiteśvara retreat in the summer of 1994. Martha Tack was director of Milarepa Center then and Larry Howe was maintaining the buildings and grounds.

The retreat was intense, powerful and wonderful. I don’t know if every retreat engenders a strong bond between the retreaters and teacher.  My notes for the retreat are few, mostly because our time was spent in practice.  I was not forward thinking enough to write anyone’s name down. Are any of you out there?  Do any of you remember being at that retreat?  As odd as it might be to say after all this time, I miss you.  I especially miss my “sister” Kathleen (?) from Montreal (embarrassed that I’m not even sure of your first name and we’re supposedly related).  Maybe it was Avalokiteśvara, maybe it was the intensity of the retreat, maybe it was Geshe-la, I don’t know, but I remember the heat, the back pain, the development of my practice, the quiet, the gardening, the laughter, the love of that week like it was last week sometimes.  I also remember the presence of Geshe Tsulga – even when he wasn’t in the room guiding or teaching us or answering our questions - even when we were washing dishes or working in the garden or reading on the lawn.  I don’t know what anyone else experienced, but I felt like he was with us all the time.  Was that just my feeling?  Is that true in many retreats?  Was that something unique to Geshe Tsulga?

After Lama Zopa’s recent stroke and my returning to practice, I began to have dreams again.  The dreams featured some memories and people, mainly from this retreat; Geshe-la, Martha, Larry, my “sister” friend Kathleen and friends from other times (Peter, Pascale…).  The dreams are peaceful and vivid and happy.  Many of you know the blind turtle and the yoke in the ocean image of a fortunate human rebirth, I feel that much more fortunate to have had that week with Geshe Tsulga, and my fellow retreaters.  Why did it take 17 years to say thank you?  Thank you.

Geshe Tsulga might rather I’d spend my time practicing and working toward Enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings, rather than writing nice things about him.  If that is in fact what he’d rather I’d be doing, I guess I’d better get on with it.  I also thought, though, that if there are others of you out there like myself who drifted away, think about the great fortune and love that brought these teachers to us, smile and be thankful that they ever came into your life.  They may come back into your life in a way you don’t expect.  They did with me.  I will think of Geshe Tsulga every time I light a candle or incense, every time I think of my Chenrezig practice, every time I hear certain syllables (there’s something he often used to say in Tibetan at the end of a passage of teachings that I sometimes hear in other voices and I smile – does that make sense to anyone else?), every time I work in a garden, every time I visit Milarepa Center, every time I sit down to practice.

On Easter Sunday this year – the first spring-like day after a long winter, I sang Vivaldi’s “Gloria” with The Unitarian Church Choir (with a chamber orchestra) here in Montpelier.  My daughter, Madeleine was there (I got a teenager to come to a 10:00am church service – no small feat).  The service was all about the rebirth of life – spring after winter, life beyond grief, resurrection after death.  There has been a lot of mourning in my life in the last year or so, but also some great new life.  Here was a time to acknowledge the great joy and welcome new life.  I had gotten notice earlier in the weekend that Lama Zopa Rinpoche had suffered a stroke and students all over the world were praying for him. The only time I had the good fortune of meeting Lama Zopa Rinpoche was in Boston for a Medicine Buddha Initiation. Later that Easter Sunday, I thought it fitting that I return to Dharma practice by starting with what he taught me and pray for his health and long life.  Rebirth within rebirth on a day celebrating rebirth.  I’m rejoicing while watching Lama Zopa’s health return.  May it continue! 

Thank you for being in my life, Geshe Tsulga!

Love to all,

Bill Paine, Thubten Nyinge